The Walk of Both/And...

Picture this: A girl stretched out on the rocky shore staring into space and crying. I embarrassingly admit she is me approximately five days ago. (It felt like that scene from Lilo and Stitch where she is having a meltdown listening to Elvis... sometimes it be like that.)

Cross-cultural missional living gifts me the opportunity to learn a language, discover beautiful nature, befriend lovely people, and so much more. It also presents challenges like loneliness, cultural frustrations, home sickness, existential crises, etc. For the past few weeks, I have felt a mix of joy and excitement as well as doubts and frustrations which have all been intensified by the living context. After nearly three years of working in cross-cultural missions, I am still trying to figure out how, in practical ways, to walk with Jesus while experiencing all these ups and downs. Keeping it real- I often feel like I am unprepared and question if I am "a good missionary" because of these roller coaster experiences.

So those tears on the beach that night? They were both joy and sadness. Nothing was particularly wrong that day, I was just learning how to process seemingly conflicting and unrelated things: frustration, loneliness, joy, and delight of this current season. My question to God was: Is it wrong to simultaneously feel both sadness and joy? I found an answer in the Bible in the book of Lamentations. The guy narrating the book, Jeremiah, talks about experiencing bitterness and hardship, feeling broken and downcast. Then he goes in to praising God for his love and mercy that never ceases, celebrating the gift of God's compassion and sufficiency. I believe the Bible shares this story to remind us that the human experience is often sticky like this- feeling both/and.

God invites us to be raw and authentic, telling him just how much we resent all that is draining us while simultaneously expressing our gratitude and love for all that is filling us up. He invites us to experience what it means to be human yet cling to the hope and promise that He is always good and always using and working every situation for good if we love and seek him. We aren't meant to understand exactly how this works, which is why we need faith. So what does it look like to walk in the both/and? Start with being honest with God about how sticky and confusing it is to follow Him. From there, be authentic and transparent with others, sharing stories and encouraging each other. I think that, just maybe, we all might find a little freedom in sharing the things that we feel embarrassed about when it comes to our faith walks. We might even get a laugh or two out of relating to someone else's keeping it real moment.

The less we pretend that the faith walk is a cute little package with an easy rule book to follow, the more we will experience real growth in relationship with God and others. Walking with Jesus can be so awkward and uncomfortable, but it can also be the most incredible adventure full of delight. There is nothing wrong with both/and. What matters is where we run to when we start to experience those things. May we choose to run to Jesus, over and over, because He is the only one who calms souls, brings peace to chaos, and reminds us of our purpose. The only "right" way to walk in faith is to keep taking one step at a time, even in the both/and. What is your one step today?